On Thursday, November 30, after months of careful planning and procrastination, the Wobblegong Sports and Social Club held its inaugural event, one whose turnout was commensurate with the low levels of skill on display.
Two middle-aged men, desperate to show that their leisure hours could be spent in a way even loosely described as “productive” – or “fulfilling” – gathered at Abu Dhabi’s Marina Mall bowling alley to launch an organisation that, given time, would surely attract thousands of members.
The two – let’s just call them the “President” and the “Treasurer” – envisaged a lively mob, wearing similar T-shirts, as an alternative to any proper recreational groups.
But it had to start somewhere, and start it did.
The arrival of the athletes did not set the stands ablaze with anticipation, it must be said. But eventually the crowd, or “Wesley”, warmed to the good-natured banter between the competitors, when he was not busy fixing problems in other customers’ lanes.
A change of shoes, a quick haka, and the game was on.
The first match was highly competitive, with much creative use of the gutters. Attacking play wins fans, defence wins finals.
The outcome was close, as is every result under 50 in this game. The President took the final honours in a victory very much akin to dancing with one’s sister.
But tension began to show at the start of the second game in an unfortunate display of unsportsman-like behaviour. The Treasurer grinned viciously as he leaned his face into that of the President, with the top bits of his smile all ticcy.
“I slept with your blankie,” he hissed, as the President looked around to ensure that the crowd was still fixing the Coke machine.
This sledging had little effect on the seasoned sportsman, for two reasons. First, and most obvious, his opponent and fellow club foundation member had little grasp of the concept of this less-than-acceptable tactic. And second, one does not rise to the rank of President without knowing where one’s blankie is at all times.
Driven by the slight to his fluffy blue bedmate, the President broke the magic 60 mark to score a second win, and the best-of-three series.
His celebrations were short. The months of planning were Gregorian, and did not allow for the Prophet’s birthday in the Muslim Hijri calendar, for which bars and nightclubs are closed. The social side would have to wait.
It won’t be waiting long, however. The Wobblegong Sports and Social Club will be holding its Carols by Candlelight dinner dance on Thursday, December 21.
And we believe there’s still room on the bus.
My pride is not a safe currency in Abu Dhabi. It dips a lot.
And yet, the places where I feel most comfortable are those venues where people know my dignity for it’s worth. You can try to work it out in Bitcoin but it still comes out in rouble. Nada.
Take Al Hajaz Coffee, a shisha cafe with very few pretensions and a friendly, if occasionally piss-taking staff and clientele.
One staff member there was a youngish Syrian fellow named Ahmed, who would not speak to the only “European” regular in any English through his distaste for the lack of effort to learn Arabic. Fair enough.
But this led to difficulty. How would said “European” know that the words being taught by Ahmed had nothing to do with a camel’s orifice and a close relative?
A couple of queries with an Emirati in the office showed that Ahmed was, in solid fact, sharing knowledge. Even if he was laughing hard enough at the pronunciation to become the proud mother of several puppies – after a day or two of lying down, of course.
At one stage during the afternoon, Ahmed’s tortured tones would join that of whatever voluptuous, exotic Lebanese diva was on the telly with the lyric “Habeeeeeeebeeee”.
A couple of the men in the cafe would look on in distaste. One Emirati, whose name I was never to know, only connected with me once – when a dill who came into the club became extremely abrasive.
Shared, raised eyebrows. That was all.
The rest of the gentlemen there – Abdul, the owner; Lukman, the man behind the jump who deliberately sounds like an Arabic Manuel whenever he feels like talking English; and later Mustafa, the man who replaces every medium-sweet Turkish coffee as soon as it is spent – are perfectly welcoming.
But I miss Ahmed. He reminded me of my first visit to Shannon Airport in Ireland, which considers itself home of the Irish coffee, after a 72-hour flight on a Philippine Airlines jet that broke down three times on the way to Heathrow. (It was only chosen because it was the last carrier that allowed smoking when you left Australian airspace).
We, a party of five including two young children, left the plane with very sticky suntans and the smell of a planeful of passengers with only one bog in operation.
When we landed to be greeted by old friends and relatives, we of course stopped at the airport bar.
“I suppose you’ll have a Fosters,” the barman said with what I hoped was a good-natured snigger. “Didn’t fly halfway around the world to have what I can get at home. Give me six pints of Guinness and two raspberry lemonades.”
He did. It was only on the way back to the table that I realised one of us wanted a cafe latte. Bugger.
There was only one answer: “You didn’t fly halfway around the world to have our fecking coffee.”
The unevenly buttoned goal umpire’s coat should have given him away; that and the uneasy relationship between his hands and the scissors.
These were not the hands of a professional. They were extremely whatever is the opposite of deft. And so, the result was largely my fault.
Dinny sat with his usual earnest interest, swinging his small, four-year-old legs as he perched on the small plank that had been slid over the arms of the barber’s chair to bring him up to height.
Then I did it. I took my eyes off him. Sitting two seats down in the Abu Dhabi Gentlemen’s Saloon with a barber who seemed much more at ease with his choice of profession, I watched as he neatened the few strands that form the sparse desert peninsula at the front of my scone.
Then I looked over. Rubbed my eyes. Looked again. The klutz was massaging my little boy’s skull, as if desperately trying to make it fit his abominable new “haircut”. Descriptions of Din’s new look flooded in to the mind: ragged; tattered; dog’s breakfast; Mad. Woman’s. Poop.
I knew, at that point, that my marriage was on the brink. I knew that the expression to greet me when I presented our little poster boy for post-toddler self-harm to his mother would be one far from delight and shared parental love.
Four words loomed large: Lawyers. Dawn. Ten Paces. The “do” would never do.
I moved threateningly towards our Bangladeshi Sweeney Todd and he backed away. I asked the man at the till what the damage was. He knew damage when he saw it. He charged for my cut only.
I grabbed the little fellow’s hand and marched him straight towards the shop to which we should have gone in the first place. Evening Aromatic Saloon.
The three Keralites nodded in acknowledgement as we walked in, dripping with sweat. Then the double-take as they clapped eyes on Dinny.
“Can anything be done to save him?” I pleaded, when I really meant me. They scrubbed up. Up went the plank. Out came the clippers.
The result was a much shorter, much more even head of hair, one that should return to its normal shape in time for puberty.
The trip home was long. On arrival, the carefully rehearsed explanation was accepted with at least some grace. Pioneer stock, that woman.
It was also accepted with one proviso: from here on in, the boy would go to a hairdresser (estimated cost Dh120) rather than any of the homely barber shops dotting the city (Dh20). We spat on our hands and shook.
For my part, given the events of the day, I owe my allegiance to the men of Evening Aromatic, and still bestow on them my custom.
Kudos, boys. Kudos.
The endearing black chap with the smart chain, pictured, is Happiness. Say hello.
Happiness says hello back.
That surly-looking white thing in the background is Not Happiness.
Happiness was found after a months-long search across Abu Dhabi when it was discovered that the former tenants of this flat had taken whatever happiness they had with them. And three months without a hot bath cannot be considered a happy time.
After a long, fruitless search, I finally found him in a small shop on Fatima bint Mubarak Street. (Yes, him. Bath plugs are harder to sex than newborn chicks, but I would hardly subject a she-plug to such unfortunate views. Happiness seems quite comfortable).
The salesmen at the “sanitary products shop”, as they call bathroom equipment stores in this neck of the woods, did not appreciate the Happiness they had in their possession. And I counted five of them through the glass-topped counter. There were probably a few more out the back.
I had no intention of placing a dollar, sorry dirham, value on him, but the Dh10 asked seemed a bit steep, as I told the salesman, especially as the accompanying sink filter was not required. True Happiness can never be strained.
With that, he painstakingly attached a small chain in a fairly pathetic, over-prolonged attempt at adding value. Then, for reasons known only to him, he attached a bolt to the other end.
I took Happiness home. He sat perfectly in his hole, holding back the tides, and continued to do so for four chapters of a John Grisham novel and a glass of cheap Chilean red.
Happiness found a home; a home found Happiness. Despite the bolt and chain having rusted after their first immersion.
He will continue to ply his trade until he starts to show signs of aspirational disappointment. Then I’ll find him a new job, with more responsibilities. I owe him that much.
Not Happiness, an earlier purchase that appropriately did come with a strainer but was too fat-headed to do the job, now petulantly sits in the bathroom watching the successful applicant at work. Sadly, I believe he will never fit in.
I explained this predicament to a colleague when I still held hope that Not Happiness could find a hole of his own in life.
My colleague took on a haughty air and dismissively bellowed that this tendency to “apply human emotions to the inanimate” was an extreme sign of separation anxiety after my family had moved back to Australia. Anxiety, huh? So little he knows.
I sleep perfectly well. Especially now that my flip-flops have forged an uneasy peace with the Hush Puppies.
Sock envy is a terrible thing.
We were married when I was 40, and I settled in to the role of husband, then father, with a pace and grace similar to that of something you’d find under a garden brick. Butchie boys excepted.
This late maturation made active involvement in the kids’ rites of passage even more important and even more special. This year I missed another – and for an Australian father it was a whopper.
The kids, along with most of the football-adoring public, fell in love with the Western Bulldogs during their against-all-odds climb to the top last year. So to a certain degree did Jane, which in itself was no small wonder given her introduction to the team before we were married.
Details of that game are murky, having taken second place to new love, delicately wrapped in its velvety glow, and the odd beer, indelicately wrapped in plastic.
As Cam Faulkner, an Aboriginal midfielder and forward for the Bulldogs, raced to compete in a marking contest, the crowd screamed “Coon”. Those who know little about Aussie Rules, or about Australia, would be unaware of the centuries-long ravages of racism in our society, and the devastating effect it has had on indigenous players in this most beautiful of games.
But this particular case, as I feverishly explained into the horrified face of my girlfriend, was not such an example. Streaking in and soaring to snatch the ball from above Faulkner and opposition players was crowd favourite Adam Cooney.
Eventually, and thankfully, the explanation was accepted.
But back to the night on which our beloved Bulldogs began their campaign to defend their 2016 premiership, against Collingwood. In the crowd to witness their first match were my little bloke wearing a Bulldogs guernsey with Caleb Daniel’s No.35, and my girl sporting Bob Murphy’s 2.
Again, Jane had stepped in to fill the yawning gap left by the kids’ father, who was at that point in a sports bar halfway around the world watching the game live, scrutinising crowd shots for a glimpse of his loved ones and trying with at least some little success to explain the rules of the code to two mates – a Cockney West Ham supporter and a Glaswegian Celtics fan.
Later, in my one-bedroom flat behind Burjeel Hospital in Abu Dhabi, the questions of my worthiness and place as a parent returned. Sores are there for the gnawing.
What I was missing as a bachelor (the Middle East term for remittance workers whose families are not with them) hit home with a resounding thud – no oxymoron; it was a lonely, dull sound and it echoed.
Figuring that I might as well eat, I decided on a quick walk to the Lebanese Flower for shwarma, a regular Friday night treat when the family was still here.
“Where is your baby?” asked the amiable Syrian at the servery.
For a few months it had been Dinny’s job to order the shwarmas, and he attacked it in all the seriousness with which he handled anything in his slowly evolving list of responsibilities.
It made me realise on the slow walk back to the flat that I would sleep that night without Din’s lean body, abnormally warm, squeezing its way between Jane and I at 5am on weekends and threshing about until he was allowed to switch on the computer at 7am.
There would be no Jane and I.
There would be no Bella, with her lovely, sassy attitude tempered by the occasionally sad vulnerability of young girls looking for their place in life. You can’t hug Skype.
I often think about the other bachelors here in the UAE – those from India, the Philippines, Pakistan, Bangladesh – who work much longer hours for much smaller returns, and have fewer trips home to their families.
The most common answer as to why we do it is more pointless than the question: it is what it is.